Itchy Hats
by Ghille Dhu the Blue
Summary: Danzou was quite clearly the best choice for Hokage. He never tried to wager Konoha during a gambling match with the Kazekage and a Uzumaki drunkard. Nor did he pick his ceremonial guard so they could catch up. And he would never refuse to wear the ceremonial robe and hat because it was itchy!


A/N: I don't have a clue what this is. Completely random, plotless and unedited. Totally crack without the funny factor since I can't write amusing things at all.

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"Nah, the hat is kind of itchy," with that statement the Hokage rejected the robe and ceremonial hat of his station.

Danzou was already resigned to these occurrences becoming commonplace, but his one visible eye was still twitching as Koharu sighed at the Hokage's ruling.

"Not even the robe, at least wear the robe, Hokage-sama," his elderly friend said, trying to wheedle a compromise with the Rokudaime Hokage.

"I don't like the robe. " The boy answered with a distinct air of childish stubbornness wafting towards Danzou.

"You've never worn the robe, Hokage-sama. " Oh, Koharu was trying to reason with a child, he was never going to change his mind with logical reasoning and that Danzou knew with absolute confidence.

"The old man let me when we played and I got to sit in the office and pretend to be him using transformation. It always smelled nasty. "

Now, that on the other hand explained a lot. He could recall a handful of times when Sarutobi had acted rather unusual in ways that included assigning ANBU to juggle on the streets or paint their masks –orange. Orange. Danzou would have hit himself if he weren't in company, how the hell could elite ninja miss an impostor Hokage, it was downright pathetic that a child had fooled even him.

"As you wish, _Hokage-sama," _Koharu finally admitted defeat, shoulders slumped and wrinkles becoming far more prominent. She hadn't aged very well, Danzou noted, it was a shame really since she'd been quite a beautiful woman in her prime.

She left with the faintest murmur that implied she'd be emptying the alcohol cupboard she kept.

Damn. Koharu kept some powerful liquor that Danzou was supposed to inherit according to her will when she finally kicked the bucket. He'd never see even a drop now.

"Old man, what do you want?" The Hokage addressed Danzou irreverently as always, the boy not even bothering to address him by name. His damned mother had been the exact same.

_Just your title, _Danzou truly wanted to say. However, despite the brat's ridiculous immaturity at inappropriate moments that rankled him, he was, unfortunately, an incredibly powerful ninja who outstripped even his own prowess.

"Only to confirm the details of your travel plans to the summit, Hokage-sama," it took a significant measure of control to pronounce the title without making it obvious he was struggling not to grit his teeth. "You have chosen your former team-mates Haruno Sakura and Sai as your ceremonial guard, correct?"

It was a somewhat intelligent choice much to his surprise. Both were stronger than average ninja, one even trained by Danzou and would show that Konoha had new generations considered worthier than even the last. Everyone had heard of Hatake Kakashi, Maito Gai and others of past generations and it was those that would be expected.

In fact, it was more than an intelligent choice…it was genius! Why, Danzou would never have expected it from this boy, yet, he was amazed at the implications of this stroke of brilliance that was worthy of Danzou himself. By bringing relatively unknown ninja to the attention of the others, they would presume them to be as powerful as the older generations and witness a show of strength from Konoha.

Perhaps, just perhaps, the Daimyo had made a somewhat intelligent choice in appointment this time.

"We're a team, " the Hokage answered, "and we've not done a mission together since forever."

Maybe it wasn't the insightful stroke of strategic brilliance that he'd wanted to believe it was after all. Still, the blonde brat was lucky and perhaps he'd keep blundering into the right decisions when it mattered.

Damn that eye infection that'd stopped him enacting his plans.

It was time to face the facts.

The Hokage seat was doomed to attract men like Senju Hashirama, just like the Nidaime had predicted, because even the Nidaime had been lost near the end.

The Hokage had picked his ceremonial guard so that he could _catch up_ with his squad.

Well, at least this Hokage wouldn't wager the village in a gambling match with a drunkard Uzumaki from Uzushiogakure.

And, no, it wasn't the Shodaime that had done that; it'd been the newly instated Sarutobi Hiruzen that had drunkenly nearly lost Konoha to an Uzumaki. If he'd been drunker earlier in the night, before the Kazekage had ended his winning streak with a series of disastrous losses (just like the Chuunin exams that had ended earlier that day)…

He didn't like to think about that.

He looked at the new Hokage who was doodling on his makeshift desk. Really looked at the rude drawings that resembled a one-eyed old man that seemed to be horrendously wrinkled and realised that it was supposed to be him.

That was it! He was going to go join Koharu in emptying her cupboard of drinks, maybe the secret stash she kept hidden in the Nidaime's head as well if he could remember where exactly she'd made it – the Nidaime had a big head.

The gods would witness that he had tried. In fact, he'd spent the last sixty something years of his life keeping Konoha standing and as a sovereign power.

Now, he just wanted a stiff drink.

Maybe retirement.

Perhaps even a death- battle, which would surely be more merciful of an end than trying to protect Konoha from another Hokage.

He was over seventy years old. He deserved a break dammit!


End file.
